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The more or less boring life of Silke

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Music that resonates Jun. 26th, 2013 @ 01:15 pm
A publicity person had talked me into interviewing Lou Barlow who'd come into town in return for giving me an interview with a band I really wanted to talk to because I loved them. Alaska! for that matter, if anyone remembers them, who were supporting/part of The New Folk Implosion.

Admittedly, I had never heard a single song of Lou Barlow when I agreed to do the interview. They sent me the New Folk Implosion CD that was just about to be released and I had a listen to it. I liked the lyrics and liked his voice, so I did the interview pretty much based on me liking the CD and as much research as one could do with the internet still being a bit shit at that time.

The interview happened in the tour van on a really hot day; you can hear the soundcheck in the background. It was lovely. I thought he was a really nice guy, but a bit sad at the time. We talked about cats, relationship crisis/cheating, worries about Elliott Smith, being in a band from an early age etc etc.
It was an absolutely awesome day, sharing dinner with the bands, nice conversations and all that, who were all so nice and such genuinely good people that it was a bit of a sad goodbye after the show, knowing we might never see each other again on such a friendly level. I would be just another face in another town, you know.

But because they were such good people, I did more reseach, got more records shipped over from the States. The sheer mass of amazing music I discovered in the back catalogue of particularly Lou Barlow was absolutely incredible. Sebadoh weren't massive in Germany, no music magazine would write about them over there, and internet was still just starting out. Over the years, as life goes on and you go through your personal ups and downs, I found myself more and drawn to Sebadoh and Lou's solo stuff in particular. It resonated so much with me. It felt like someone felt exactly what I felt, anger and sadness and disappointment and love and the urge to cuddle the shit out of their cat, ha! All written simply, and with an honesty that sounded like the wounds are still raw, you know, when you can hear there have been tears just before the demo.

So over time, what started as a nice conversation between two music nerds turned into fandom. It's a weird conversion at first, but after a few years, it all sort of blurred into what seems like a dream. Most things from back in the day in Germany have turned into dreams. It happened a long time ago and 18,000km away. Crazy.

Every few years or so, there'd be a brief email exchange, or being able to help make some media thing in NZ happen while being quite invisible behind some email, suggesting names to people, speaking out loud about my love for music in the right circles who care and make things happen.

There'd be front rows at gigs and the occasional Facebook contact, but I doubt they'd really remember me, any of them. I'm not the stalkiest of fans, I'll coyly wave once when the gig starts, which is usually somehow reciprocated, but I'm pretty confident no one ever recognises me again from back in the olden days.

And then you get interviews like this one http://traffic.libsyn.com/lavenderhour/DTFH_71_loobarlow.mp3

Only the last hour is really worth listening to, but in that last hour, I felt like in that van again, that kind of conversation we had there, he mentions the cheating and I think when we talked it was one of those times when he was particularly down about that, and hurt. So I always felt for him in that sense, and I felt we were on the same wavelength, about the nature of our love for the people we love. This podcast goes deeper than that and talks about many more things, but nearly all of them (not the children bit - no kids here) I recognise having felt myself before. The voice in your head that tells you you'll never love like that again etc. Intense for me, and very touching.

Just goes to show that usually, if you're a fan of someone for the right reason, if their music resonates with you, it's likely you do have a lot in common and in another life might be friends. Had life gone differently we might've been be friends. Who knows.

From that day when the interview happened, all of those guys have gone on to do great things. All of the boys were in the film Laurel Canyon with Christian Bale and Frances McDormont, Imaad worked with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and on the soundtrack to Where The Wild Things Are, Russel toured with Neil Young for ages and Lou does what Lou does. All but Russell I've seen around, but I'm shy and I'd never push myself onto anyone. I'd say hi if they were right there, and I'll be in the front row, because I'm always in the front row, but I'm not desperately pushing it. It's a lovely memory though.

Arch Hill Lyfe Apr. 23rd, 2013 @ 06:07 pm
Loud yelling outside: "HULLUUUH?! HULLUHHH?!"

It sounded so off for sleepy Arch Hill, that I didn't even react until someone started to bash the door really hard. Sounded urgent. Okay then, here we go, Silke goes to the door.

2 chinese (educated guess) ladies go from obviously aggro to smiley in an instant the moment they see me.

"HULLUUUH! Can we show you our presentation on *incoherent mumble with strong accent*" - Me: "Huh? On what?"

With heavy heavy accent says the other, "Do you believe in our heavenly mother?"

Me "No! Sorry. Bye."

The ladies instantly go from smiley and soft voiced into into aggro mode and stomp away, speaking to each other angrily in whatever language it is they're speaking - to the house next door, yelling, "HULLUUUUUH?! HULUUUH?!". More door banging follows.

The aggro bit really isn't a good selling point. I wouldn't want to sit in church with those women! Or anywhere, really. Was glad when they were gone!

From Twitter, Saturday, 4-13-2013 Apr. 14th, 2013 @ 04:00 am
4:00 AM - @silkehartung: Mr. XLAAALLAA, I believe. instagram.com/p/YArdC7vNfo/

4:26 AM - @silkehartung: I hope they'll find Brendan's car!

12:24 PM - @silkehartung: Cool. Flatmate decided to be a plumber. Halfway through the process, he just left the house for hours. No water for us, why, fuck us.

1:25 PM - @silkehartung: Thankful for my leftover festival hand sanitizer and wet wipes. Threatened to call pricey emergency plumber. Fuck this.

1:26 PM - @silkehartung: I'm pretty sure it's not even legal to do your own plumbing and wiring. GRRRR.

1:28 PM - @silkehartung: Potential result: We might have hot and running water again, but in 2 weeks the house will burn down.

1:29 PM - @silkehartung: @radiokermath Great?

9:05 PM - @silkehartung: I had to actually throw a full-fledged tantrum to get the flatmate to turn the water mains back on. Don't mess with the Silke.

9:06 PM - @silkehartung: (Tried all other pre-tantrum options, but he didn't understand)

12:33 AM - @silkehartung: Fishes instagram.com/p/YC4buUPNZc/

1:46 AM - @silkehartung: @radiokermath I moved to the other side of the world very young all on my own? I think I used it all up for that.

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From Twitter, Friday, 4-12-2013 Apr. 13th, 2013 @ 04:00 am
8:32 AM - @silkehartung: A cold shower goes down much more pleasantly in mid-summer. I'm worried Allan will install the new cylinder by himself.

8:34 AM - @silkehartung: I'll be all over the show today - work, then a gig at the Wine Cellar, and then at Whammy. First indie, then bluesy. Come, yesh?

8:43 AM - @silkehartung: A girl on the bus made an artwork using her dog's paws and water colour. Cute. Fighting to stay awake - dear caffeine, please work soon!

9:00 AM - @silkehartung: Good colours instagram.com/p/X-o_u8PNbI/

9:02 AM - @silkehartung: @oharris69 oh were you in Parnell just before? I was in a rush and just pretty much tried to get there in time

1:06 PM - @silkehartung: @DylanStorey indeed!. Can't wait to hear you lot! :-)

6:49 PM - @silkehartung: I had a pre-gig beer, my first in a very very long time. It was amazing! Bit tipsy now. Wonderful!

6:49 PM - @silkehartung: Oh and th Herr sound check makes me think that tonight will be very cool. Come on down to the Wine Cellar, let's hang out.

10:13 PM - @silkehartung: What a great night. I love when people actually appreciate the music.

11:49 PM - @silkehartung: From one awesome gig to the next! Such a good night!

12:31 AM - @silkehartung: Just met a band I've been listening to online. Cool. instagram.com/p/YATed5vNVu/

3:01 AM - @silkehartung: A guy just tried to woo me by drinking his beer really quickly. What a charmer. Didn't work.

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From Twitter, Thursday, 4-11-2013 Apr. 12th, 2013 @ 04:00 am
2:09 PM - @silkehartung: "Yr somewhat mad and quite cool" - an email from last night during Freak The Sheep. I'm proud of it. @95bFM

3:49 PM - @silkehartung: @martynpepperell I just remembered my current drama! Noone ever has a "normal" conversation with me; everything is always about music. Sob.

3:51 PM - @silkehartung: It's raining. Actually. instagram.com/p/X8zSD0PNQ8/

3:54 PM - @silkehartung: Rainbow! instagram.com/p/X8zj6tPNRT/

4:11 PM - @silkehartung: @FishriderNZ Just sometimes it'd be nice to just hang out, watch a movie, talk about science, politics, food, you-name-it, and NOT music.

4:19 PM - @silkehartung: Mondo Bizarro! I'm home, can you believe it! Like... now! Insanity!

6:19 PM - @silkehartung: Oi, tentacle faces of Arch Hill! I'm going to get some food now. You've got ~1min to come with me!

6:43 PM - @silkehartung: Still no hot water. The suffering!

11:32 PM - @silkehartung: Just found my scissors. And remembered how they got there. Oops. instagram.com/p/X9n5QnPNQD/

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From Twitter, Wednesday, 4-10-2013 Apr. 11th, 2013 @ 04:00 am
9:54 AM - @silkehartung: Doors anyone else in Arch Hill have no water? Good stuff not to be told about that in advance, by whomever.

11:00 AM - @silkehartung: Hey geeks, since when have we been calling the radio station by its current name: @95bFM?

6:34 PM - @silkehartung: So frazzled now! Tomorrow it'll all be over, yay! Right now I just want to never touch a computer again. Or say "Sure, I can do that" ...

6:50 PM - @silkehartung: More caffeine for me!

10:04 PM - @silkehartung: The Aristocrats live in Freak The Sheep right now! @95bFM http://t.co/sQibNhGCWE

10:23 PM - @silkehartung: Ben Prestidge live in Freak The Sheep right now! @95bFM http://t.co/njFlaNHxkn

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From Twitter, Tuesday, 4-9-2013 Apr. 10th, 2013 @ 04:00 am
8:19 AM - @silkehartung: What was I thinking to pile on all this work this week. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

12:37 AM - @silkehartung: Is today Basti's birthday? How can I even forget?

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From Twitter, Monday, 4-8-2013 Apr. 9th, 2013 @ 04:00 am
9:11 AM - @silkehartung: Mondays, eh. Mondays.

12:31 PM - @silkehartung: Feeling like a fountain of (USELESS!) knowledge today.

9:00 PM - @silkehartung: First time this year that life modelling felt ridiculously uncomfortable because of the cold. Summer is gone.

9:39 PM - @silkehartung: @YolundaHickman Isn't it ridiculous? Like the weather knows about the winter time tradition.

10:45 PM - @silkehartung: It's cold. Must find winter boyfriend.

10:47 PM - @dekimble: I wish my toenails grew faster.

10:48 PM - @silkehartung: @neilmullanefinn Maybe next year you could record a sample track - maybe people would find it more believable.

10:49 PM - @silkehartung: @neilmullanefinn People did believe me that there was a wallaby in my garden in Arch Hill. I had a "photo", you see. http://t.co/00A9zLh9Pz

10:52 PM - @silkehartung: I found chocolate in my drawer and now I'm having some! Great moments in being Silke!

10:54 PM - @silkehartung: I also just said "Dinky dinky!" to my cat. I shouldn't have any more chocolate.

10:56 PM - @silkehartung: @PlumGreen Surprise money could buy chocolate, though! Always good to have!

11:10 PM - @silkehartung: @amandamamaloco One cat is already enough of a nuisance/love/fluffgiver. I need a non-smelly cuddle buddy for sleepovers when it's cold.

11:38 PM - @silkehartung: @amandamamaloco Hmmnah, I'd even share the chocolate. I'm nice like that.

12:33 AM - @silkehartung: Today I learnt that I don't get mad about someone putting in the toilet paper the wrong way, but I will question their intelligence harshly.

12:39 AM - @silkehartung: Just because someone died doesn't mean they were really alive before. I thought MT hadn't been about for a long time. Thank goodness!

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From Twitter, Sunday, 4-7-2013 Apr. 8th, 2013 @ 04:00 am
1:15 PM - @silkehartung: Ha, in How I Met Your Mother, Robyn's dad is Leland from Twin Peaks - that really all I ever see him as.

2:21 PM - @inspiring_muse: @silkehartung Aw, That's so sweet of you to say! Remember wandering through Hamburg and people trying 2 get us 2 dance in a strip bar.

2:23 PM - @silkehartung: @inspiring_muse I remember crying and crying and crying because it hit my mood with the break up with Valeri... had never heard them before!

2:23 PM - @silkehartung: @inspiring_muse how could I forget! :-)

2:26 PM - @silkehartung: "I just quickly need to take a photo of that otter, man!" @Kermasdf

9:50 PM - @silkehartung: Wow, I should go out more. So many opportunities this weekend workwise, hopefully that means mre stability @ some point, without loss of joy

9:55 PM - @silkehartung: At the gig tonight someone is covering Phil Collins. Good song, but that's a huge risk, if you're not Phil Collins.

10:03 PM - @ABRHalligan: @silkehartung "Stability without loss of joy" sounds like as good a life goal as I have ever heard articulated!

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Tea made me remember... Apr. 3rd, 2013 @ 12:39 am
Photos! Memories! And heaps of moping about Ex-bf V.Collapse )
Other entries
» End of tour thoughts
After a few days on tour with them, Delaney, Tami, Marlon, Dave, myself (and a few others who stuck around over night) were sitting at breakfast at Leigh Sawmill.

It's always a bit sad when a tour comes to an end, and we had such a good time, so many bad puns, so many silly jokes, and just overall good times were had.

I've known Delaney for a few years now, and always thought of him as a nice guy, good looking, too. We were talking about dogs this morning, him and I and he said "That's where the scar here comes from - an Alsatian (sp?) bit me in the head!" - and it was really weird because as he said it, it was as if his scars magically appeared all over his face. I had honestly never noticed them before! I spent the rest of the morning thinking to myself, wow, how could I not see them? Probably because I like him heaps - I look out for other things than scars in faces and other little (or big) flaws.

We had many a good moment, especially in Raglan, such good times. It's always a bit sad when you hang out heaps with people for a few days, sleep in the same room, (panicking you snore hard out, as I might when I have a sniffy nose, which I do right now, plus I had carbs which makes me bloaty... you get the drift), drive around in cars, talk about life and dig up shallow and deep little stories from you past etc. I feel close to them and yet it'll be months or longer until we're all in the same room again.

Touring makes me very self-conscious, about my accent, about my past - I pull up walls hard out so I don't start talking about the sad things in my life. It's a tour, it's supposed to be fun, so even if it would seem appropriate and one of the others might talk about a painful thing from their past, I just can't bring myself to open up. I think that might make me come across as very quiet sometimes. Well. I am an introvert, really, no matter what people sometimes think - I think in touring situations, people do notice...

Anyways, it was great fun, I live for this kind of long weekend with music.

» On many levels a pathetic, true story
On the bus home, I look at the people on the bus and stop at this really cute guy. He's looking elsewhere so I keep looking, thinking to myself that he's very much my type, visually.

And then it went *plop* and I remembered that I actually once had sex with him and that it was pretty terrible.

Sad on so many levels. Too small a town.

I'm not THAT bad, I just have an awfully short memory.
» Quote!
Not “feeling offended” does not mean the material itself was not offensive. The most effective propaganda goes unnoticed. That’s kind of how it works. Neither damage nor ignorance require intent.

And reckless arrogance is not the same as bravery.

Jesse Williams
(actor and all sorts of other stuff in regards to Django Unchained)

I've encountered this a lot in the last few days.
» What's worse...
What's worse - to be with someone you love from the bottom of your heart and have them not love you back, or to be with someone who loves you, but not love them back?
» Few true friends
I'm so busy, and so exhausted, I'm probably anaemic as fuck, I'm pretty sure, because I can barely move my limbs. It's not the chronic fatigue, at least not yet, which is awesome, because that'd be soooo bad right now. Soooo bad.

I'm writing because on Friday I had the happiest news and the saddest news - coincidentally they were the same thing.

I was just in the middle of a very long day. Auckland sucks for public transport, which meant that for unfortunate circumstances of where I was working, I had to walk about 8km through the straight sun without any shadow, hat, sunglasses etc - that had me pretty knackered and woozy already, being as fair as I am. Sizzle.

Job number 1 was the single mum's creche at the Auckland Women's Centre, which this time involved taking care of a number of kids who really had a shit time in their short lives before. S's mum told me to not look right at him, as he was used to that meaning that he'd get the crap beaten out of himself very shortly by his violent cracky dad. S was 5, and would just play near his mum. His mum has 5 kids and no friends in AKL but needed to get away from where she used to live bgefore because of said arsehole she was with before. As I greeted them, I felt in charge of trying to give mum an hour and a half off, and S a good time. Easier said then done. It took a while of going forwards and backwards to mum, and reading the tiny clues what S is into, which in his case was physical stuff.
I'm fat, alright. But if a sad little boy is into running, I'll fucking run around with him for an hour or so.
It was the most rewarding thing to see his shell come off, and to play and laugh and squeal by the end of the short time we had. When I said to him that we had to go and see his mum now, because there was BBQ to be had, he said "NO!" and reached out for my hand to take him back to the trampoline where we had been playing before.
Sometimes I'm really thankful that I can just let go and read body language really well. I always say it's the same whether you work with kids from a tricky background, or famous musicians, it's about trying to find out the needs of the person somehow and let go of your ego to make them feel good. Musicians, especially when they're famous, are so used to people treating them in a certain way. I don't. I'll treat them like I think they need to be treated to be themselves and feel good. I don't know if that makes sense. It seems weird to compare mistreated people and musicians, obviously there's a world in between. But I feel it's a lot about just letting people be and offering yourself and your support and if they want it, that's great and you can give someone a break from that pressure. Even if that's just jetlag or people being fake to you, or the pressure of a really shit situation at home.
When I left the creche, I just wanted to cry for little S, and for little C who joined us for a bit as well, who also got beaten by his dad and must've seen horrific things in his life.
My colleagues said I should tell S's mum how I got through to him, but I didn't want to sound like some... don't know... conqueror. I jst wanted S to have a break, and laugh and be a normal kid who gets all the attention for a bit. And that I achieved.

Digressing from the real reason of this entry, but it kind of explains how I was already tired and moved and already this tired and moved I wenjt to clean Jocelyn's house in Pt.Chev, which made me even more tired. Afterwards the bus didn't stop for me, so again I was walking really far in the sun, until I reached a dairy and bought myself an ice cream. Boom.

With my ice cream I sat down on a bench in the sun. My phone went *whistle whistle*, meaning I got an sms.

(rephrased) "Got phd funding, woohoo" - Shane.

And I just cried and laughed and cried and laughed and cried.

He has been mostly unemployed for so long, writing for science, doing the occasional research project, applying for PhDs. FINALLY he got one, finally!!! That's the best, most awesome thing for Shane!

And it'll happen in Melbourne. Again, it could be further away, this is great! He'll move in with lovely Nancy, which is also so cool because they're so good together and I like her so much, so this is so great in so many ways!

But I will be losing my best friend, who has never lived awfully far from me, who I see more than anyone else in my life, who I could hang out with all the time and talk about anything at all, and no matter how sad, I'll probably end up laughing my arse of after a very short time together. With no one in the world I have as much fun as with him, feel as understood and like I can be fully myself, say whatever I want, have someone be interested in the random things I'm currently into or thinking about or just lie around on the bed for ages, just talking. I feel so close to him and I've got a lot of unconditional love for that guy, in a perfectly platonic way. He's family to me. I've had best friends before in my life, but never before this compatible, agreeing on most things.

Valeri and I were wonderful friends, but the power dynamics were always difficult because first I loved him and he didn't love me, and then he loved me and I loved him, but we couldn't be together, because it simply didn't work with him being so angry sometimes.
Beate is still my number 1 favourite female person in the world because she is so awesome. I can't remember anything in particular, but I do remember that we were great friends in spite of disagreeing on some things. Which was good, because for example we would have never nicked one another's boyfriends, hehe. Ah I miss Beate so much.
Between Shane and Beate, they've got me covered in best friendian support, it'll just be pretty horrible when neither of them will be in the same country with me from March onwards.

I am so sad. I am heartbroken. Not out of this world, and I know we will stay friends forever, no matter where we are and how long we won't see each other. I'm just thankful for the few months we've got left and hope we can make the most of this summer. I'll fucking miss him. I will miss him so much. We may never ever live in the same city again. Isn't that crazy. How good we've had it for so long! You just ever know these things until it's over.
Fleur will be in the States with her family, Jess will probably stay there as well, I imagine, Beate will have a family in Germany, and well, Valeri and I may never ever talk a word again, but maybe that's for the best, though it hurts a shitload.

I'll still be surrounded by amazing people here. But there'll be this massive gap that just can't be filled by anyone else. I never thought I'd be fine without Beate, and that was correct, I'm not and will never be, and so I imagine it'll be the same with Shane.

I'll be doing a lot of secret crying for a while there. Not in front of him, because it's so awesome that he can do his PhD and live in a cool new place, I wouldn't want to spoil it. He needs to do it. But urgh... selfish me is very very sad.
» Fatness
Someone just compared being fat to having cancer.

Something snapped somewhere. What the hell is wrong with people. I don't need to be cured from being fat. I am fat. Fat is what I am, me and my body, the same thing. Usually people go "Yeah but I don't even mean you!", but that's bollocks! You're being a racist - that hits me - I'm a foreigner, too! You bicth against anyone of any other bodyshape than what's considered as "normal" and you hit me! Thin or fat! For fucks sake - now that we all know it's bad to be racist, or say mean things aginst disabled people and all that, are fat people the bext best victim?

I'd rather live my life, fat as I am, and fall over dead tomorrow, than go through life feeling permanently awful about myself because I don't fullfill the norm. I am not the norm, and I will never be the norm. I sometimes wish I was a bit more normal, but that doesn;t make me happy. I don't have normal in me.

Does this mean that me or anyone else deserve less respect as a human being? Do I deserve being patronised by probably most people out there? I am so lucky, that the people around me personally, are creative, smart and wonderful people who take me as I am. I know it's not like that for everyone. I've experienced how it can be, of course I have. My own mum would make me feel less loved because I was the fat kid to be embarrassed about.

In school you've got sports teachers stand above you and yell at you. Sport is all about winning, about pushing yourself in high school. The moment it was fun, I'd be up for it, for games and suchlike. But don't make me run 10km so you can chat with your teacher mates, don't make me look like an idiot in front of the whole class trying to make me jump over hurdles. I wish PE was more about activity, and by all means, including things like sitting correctly in front of a computer, about excercise than anyone can do. "Anyone can run" they'd tell me. That's just not true. All I think of when it comes to running is the memory of Mr K. yelling at me for not being good enough at it. Very helpful.

Me for example - in Badminton I'd thrive. I loved hockey, too, and volley ball. I loved any kind of class work out like yoga, tai chi, aerobic, even the kick boxing style work outs. I love cardio and doing strength excercises on gym machinesl. That's all stuff that you can do at any weight, and that's not about competition. Well, the games sort of are - but as a team, and it's fun!

I'm so fat that other people my weight would be in wheel chairs. But I move, I walk, I cycle, when my cycle is not in the shed and totally damaged anyway, and I mostly eat really well, good fats, lots of veggies. Even when dieting hard out, I'd not usually lose weight. To lose weight, I need to eat grated carrots with lemon juice, and maybe a crazy miso soup with it. Only then to I lose weight. Here is someone who has tried to lose weight for most of her life. Fuck this. This is me. I prefer living short and happy to living in a constant unhappy struggle. Nothing counts as much as being happy.

Comparing fatness to cancer makes me feel sick. I wish they'd spend all the money they put into creating new diet product fads to find a cure for cancer instead.

I worry for young fat kids. The climate is changing so hard out against fatness. It's the new racism.
» Waitakere Festival Weekend
I had been working ultralong days all week to make sure Waitakere Festival will be a success, plus design stuff for Hub West, so by Friday, my nerves were just raw, and when Rachel called saying she wasn't able to print my work, I started to cry and cry and cry. So tired.

Luckily we fixed it, but it was just all a bit much, workwise, the last few weeks.

Being upset and grumpy, I had to still get ready for a gig on the same night at Lucha. Warm up my voice while working, put on nice make up etc etc etc. It's a mission, and being exhausted wasn't helpful.

In spite of it all, the gig was a raging success, a full venue and we all made good money on the night. The music was really good, all dancey, and finally Jess listened to me and broker her performance into bite sized bits which makes it more palatable for people who don't know her. Worked a treat. It was grand!
Plus, they really enjoyed my performance a lot! People kept walking up to me, telling me how much they loved me. I wish my ego would take this stuff on more than it does. It doesn't do that. But I was pleased with myself, which is good, I guess.

Saturday we picked up Robert Scott from the airport. He's in seminal bands such as The Bats and The Clean, and he was out headliner for the festival. Tim and I took him straight to The Golden Dawn where he performed a few solo songs with Hollie of Tiny Ruins. Magic moments to treasure forever!

They kept partying, but I was so tired that I walked home. The night was one of the first warm ones, very balmy with stars in the sky, and Grey Lynn, just like Grafton, smells gorgeous.

The next morning, Sarah and I left early for the festival via a bakery to grab a coffee, and I wanted to buy a cake for Mark of The Rock Factory, who was going to work on the day.

Thanks to me planning things out really well on all levels, I pretty much just had to be there and facilitate, which was great, because I could say hello to all my friends around the park. I joked to Shane and Sarah that my most stressful moment was, when I couldn't find my pen (a treasure at festivals) for 5 seconds. "If your event is planned well, there'll be hardly any work on the day. When you get to enjoy your event, you've done well." Aced.

It went extremely smoothly, the music was excellent, people were wonderful, food was plenty, huge attendance by punters, prime conversations, hugs enough to last for a month, lots of kudos from everyone - simply nice! To make thousands of people happy with one lovely festival, that's so nice.

We did exceedingly well. And an hour after the festival, the park looked like nothing had happened.

There were more people than at even the bigger Concerts In Parks, so without having had a budget for marketing, we can be very proud of ourselves.

After tidying up, Shane dropped me off at home, where Bob and the flatmates were already playing songs to one another. I grabbed the uke, some whiskey and joined in. Beatles, Cure, Donovan... all sorts! Awesome wee party! Then James Coyle from Wellington dropped by and we drank more and sang more. Last thing I remember is singing Blondie... afterwards things blur. I think I fell asleep on the loo for a bit... Autopilot had me take a shower, then go to bed.

When I woke up eventually (ouch) my stuff was back in the room, and James was sleeping in my sleeping bag in the living room. I wondered how he got that, I hope I gave him that. Because I slept naked, hahaha.

When you never drink, it doesn't take much to make you pass out. This is what we learn here, children. For some reason, no headache, just general aching. Phew!

Just listening to Sean's new album. Sean of SJD. He gave me a link to download it earlier, "warning" me that it needed a few listens to get used to it. Nah. Loved it from the very first listen. Different, but the same great song writing. Such a very very clever man!
» A Tuesday with Silke
I was bouncing along mayoral drive from the bus stop towards work today, the sun was shining and things were just glorious!

While crossing the road near the car park to the Basement, a women who had been walking behind me said "Hi, I love your hair!". She was very nicely dressed, neat haircut, you know, someone officey. I said "Aw, thank you very much, and it's not even that nice today because it's all faded!".
"You're not Jackie, are you?"
"No, I'm not Jackie, who is Jackie?"
"A friend from a long time ago. I used to have green hair you know, but with work... and now I'm too old!"
"I'm not as young as I look - I'm simply lucky that work allows me to keep my hair like this. What do you do?"
"I'm a prosecutor."
"Did you still have green hair when you were at uni?"
"No, that was before"
"Ah! Is your job quite dry?"
"Can be, but can also be very interesting. What do you do?"
"I'm a designer and work with music."
"Lovely to meet you, I'll have to run!"

And then she was gone. She seemed sad that she couldn't have coloured hair, and I thought to myself that the world sucks, in a way, if people judge you for wanting to have coloured hair. There is an obviously successful, intelligent, educated woman, who would love her coloured hair back, and society kind of says no, isn't that sad? I loved our little encounter. It's nice to know that there are people who are a bit nutty even in conservative jobs, right?

Did my thing at NZ Musician, then caught a bus to Newmarket, popped by at Arch Hill/Aeroplane/Native Tongue to deliver Mahoney's CDs, who wasn't there, so I just had a brief chat with Ivy, Gary and Ben instead.

Kermath picked me up at the gas station next door to drop off Shane's girlfriend Nancy at home. He had already hinted to me earlier that there were massive problems with one of his flatmates, but I had no idea how bad until Nancy was actually crying and scared to go back. The flatmate pretty much threatened her, so we took her home and I stuck around by the door with her, just in case the woman was going to say anything. I would have given her a piece of my mind! Poor Nancy, she's so lovely! She's a good extension of Shane, which is nice, you know, if your best friend has a partner you think is actually super cool, too! I went and unfriended the silly flatmate on Facebook and told both Nancy and Shane to not be bullied, or Silke will come to protect them. I can't stand my friends to be in a bad place! :(

At Kermath's we did some language tape recording, schemed a little about future projects and then we had Mike C memorial Nando's. Maaaaaan their chips and sauces are SO good! It was so funny, we were exactly the same people that were there when Mike was here. I nearly facebooked him, but then I thought, aw, that'd be just mean, really.

Back home now, piles of work, but my brain just refuses. I'll get up early instead, I guess.

Bits and bops
  • I burned my eggs today because I forgot about them - that was so stupid, nice eggs aren't cheap. Such waste, plus now the whole house smells like burnt egg. Tsk
  • NZMSD will need the logo remade. I hate remaking logos. Staring at fonts for way too long at a time is no fun.
  • Helped Nicola with her CSS. "Cascading" didn't work in her CMS, prolly their fault, but I actually had to inline the style. How daft. I told her it was an ugly ugly solution. It's been ages since I've as muchy as touched anything for Salons Group.
  • Coconut oil in the hair made my hair awesomely soft. Try! Awesome!
  • Simon made an The Adults Shred video - hilarious!
  • Heaps of busy this week, I'm really a bit over capacity right now, plus I start feeling the need to withdraw. I need my quiet times, but right now there's none of that in sight. I'm just so over people.
  • That being said, no happy that James  from Wellington will be coming up for Waitakere Festival. He's a good sorts!
  • There will be a Freak The Sheep Xmas special! Planning has begun!
  • I'm so poor! My eggs died and my fridge is empty, just cans left. Someone better pay me, or rent will have to come from the credit card. Whaddaya do.

Lastly, I'd really like to be here:

A hidden cove in an island near Whangamata.

» Why I shouldn't be a band manager
People have been asking me a lot if I could manage their band, and I think I could do much better than a lot of people who do it. I'd be pretty no nonsense, I'd know who to approach about anything, I can write, design, organise, follow rules and time schedules and all that stuff.


If I'm not 100% in love with your music, I just can't do it. To do the job well, I'd have to believe that you can make money, not just in NZ, but overseas as well - what's the point otherwise. If I think you are totally amazing, it's an easy one, I could hoestly just push you and what you do.

But mostly that's not the way, and in all friendship and respect, people don't like feedback. The bands who want me to manage them wouldn't take on my feedback well at all. Which makes most bands an instant out, because if you don't listen to feedback ever, you may be artsy and 5 people out there will totally dig your music and respect the shit out of you, but it's not likely you'll ever even play out of town, unless you pout a lot of your own money into it.

I've been thinking about maybe just doing something in regards to booking, press releases, press kits etc... But how do you charge for that, knowing that in NZ most musicians don't make money with music. Have some kind of monthly or 3-monthly retainer in different stages, that pays for me organising their gigs, CD pressings, promo, publicity...?

I've been thinking about this a lot. And what if I just *think* I'd be awesome at it, but really I suck? What then?
» Blog entry dealing with Valeri #1574
This has got to end.

I've been dreaming of Valeri, about conversations, opening drawers in my mind with photos I took in my head from when we were really young, and I miss him so much. I dreamed of hugging him and we both were crying, because we missed each other.

I read through a lot of old entries on my old website, pre-LJ, and I don't like myself.

I keep wondering, did I do the right thing?

According to my logs, he tried to win me back so many times and apologised profoundly, and even though I still loved him more than I have ever loved anyone, I said, sorry, but I can't - can we please be friends.

My rational memory tells me that it was right, that I was always honest with him, he always knew where he was at. I would tell him that I still loved him etc.

How hard would that have been for him! This went on for so long! No wonder he was battling depression! No wonder! But what option did I have? There was someone so angry, who really hadn't always been that nice to me, in spite of that huge love we had.

We ended up with clinical depression, both of us. And I worry that a lot of his was my fault. I would have caused him so much pain.

Did I have a distorted perception of him? He did so much for me, he was a good guy, so helpful and caring - but on the downside, he was sometimes disrespectful and condescending. Knowing my mum's life, that really got me on the wrong foot.

What would I do differently today?

Hard to say, as Valeri is maybe the smartest man I have ever met, and he always knew. You couldn't really argue, because he'd admit he wouldn't budge even if he was wrong, and being assertive was just not easily possible for me at the time.

Obviously the discussion about whether we could have saved our relationship is perfectly futile. I'm happy here in NZ and he's married in Germany. Things are great for me at least and I can only hope he's good, too.

I just think about whether we could have saved our friendship. How we could have managed to save it.

And then I wonder, if I just wish we were still friends because I still love him now. Maybe we really can't be friends. Maybe I just tell myself that. And maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me. It must be that. I've never been able to just be his friend on an emotional level, no matter what I said.

After all these years, so many years, how can he still be so present in my life. He doesn't even know it. I think of him at least a few times a week. No one else! Not even my beloved grandma or grandpa! Just him. I'm jinxed.

Where would life have gone, had Julia and I never burned that cake when we were 12 years old. I can't even imagine. I think I would have turned out much straighter. People in the A class of my year were overall much quirkier and offbeat than the ones in my class. My class was overall straighter. Had I not fallen in love with Valeri, I wouldn't have befriended a lot of people who very much shaped me in my very early teens.

I wish my mind would stop sending me all those memories. The way his black winter jacket felt, him laughing while leading against Christian's shed, his funny fingers, I always loved the shape of his fingers, they were quite different, us hugging and crying behind the church on a little wall, the way his room smelled, our trip to Texel... Man all that stuff. What happened...

I hope he's happy.
» Dear X, I worry
Dear X,

after many many years, I've just seen a recent photo of you online and I'm confused and sad!

What happened to you, I mean, seriously? I can hardly talk, speaking from the extreme other side of the spectrum that is "She hasn't really changed in the last 15 years or so".

But you, you used to be so wonderful, so different, so special! Such a bright mind, one of the most intelligent people I've ever known, always a contrarian, wonderfully aloof in a way, such a rebel in your own right, listening to music that dealt with anarchy and fun, that silly young guy, proud of his drinking skills, that long-haired, bearded, hilarious man, so creative, someone who could solve any problem! You were the kind that I thought could change the world with his ideas. Your heart was always so much in the right spot.

Now I look at you, and you look like a sheep. It breaks my heart! You keep breaking my heart!

You sit in an office, slightly hunched, shiny skin, your hair looks shorn off and wear some kind of strange beard that really doesn't suit your face... That's not a happy smile, that's a work smile. Your eyes always had such a sparkle and now it's just gone! Even considering that this may well be a terrible picture, I keep looking at it, thinking no no no no.. The body language, everything...

We used to be best friends, remember? Can you remember that? The smartest kid in school and the most troubled kid in school. You saved me, kept me laughing. We saved each other.

I wish I could save you now. I see you and it actually hurts me. You're not someone to fit a mould, you've never been and will never be. Don't try to make the square fit into the circle.

I hope I'm wrong, I hope I'm wrong. I hope you are truely happy. I'd rather know you've actually changed and you're happy like that, and be really really wrong.

I hope you still sometimes read this secretly. You can't burn this bridge, no matter what.

» Tours of Auckland with Silke, and card games
I was waiting at the train station, and felt awfully European to pick someone up at the station, a guy no less, ha, cliches en masse! The train station was an ongoing source of amusement, like the guy next to me, who without kidding had his tongue sticking out his mouth for the entire time I was sitting there! Wha..?
I went to buy myself a New Scientist, because that's how I roll. At the counter, the clerk looks at me, starts smiling like he knows something that I don't know, and whispers what i thought sounded like "Shakira". I thought, huh, that must mean something in his language, wonder what! So I say "Pardon?"
"Oh I just meant to say you look like Shakira!"
"HUH?! BAAAAHAHAHAHA..! (<-- inappropriately loud and probably borderline rude laughter) But I look nothing like her!"
"You're just as beautiful"
"Nuuuuuuuh!!! Thank you very much, that's very sweet of you!"
And then I gave it a dash, because I felt awkward.

So now Mike is here, very exciting, next door from me!

There were really no weird surprises, yay for US psych testing, haha!

I felt I talked a particular lot of rubbish, but I guess that's just what I do. In particular I pointed out the dangerous spots of Auckland - way to sell a city!

We went for a short walk along the stormy waterfront, had dinner, then went home via the Sky Tower bus stop (scenic as!) and then played card games. I lost, grumble grumble, no wait, I won once, but lost kind fo all other times because of excitement (euphemism for "very dumb") moves. Yaaaay, a 3, I can make a move, oh hang on, I actually could have used a 3 from that pile and advance... D'oh.

Quite surreal, I find. So 3D!

I better go to bed now. Touristy stuff tomorrow, can't wait to get out of town a bit.
» Excited!
After all the glum posts in which I discover that actually things are all awesome, and that actually I'm happy, now for a last few hours of being excited before I go to the station to pick up Mike.

It certainly helps to know that he gets psych tested twice a year and is thereby definitely sane, hahaha!

Made me think about how close I feel to you guys here! I've known so many of you for such a long time, through extremely intense times for you and I, and getting to meet people from here, who I know so well without never having met them, and who potentially know so much about me, without ever having met me, that's just... maaaarvellous and thrilling and how amazing that we get to do this at all these days, connect with people we can relate to from anywhere in the world! :D

And I've never met anyone who turned out to be a dick, from LJ anyways. From forums, yes. But no one I knew really well from blogs or FB has ever been unpleasant!

So yes, super excited! He'll be around Te Awamutu or Hamilton right now, is my guess. I wonder if you get a nice sunset when taking the train up from Wellington - the other way round is amazing for sure, I've often travelled from Welly to Paraparaumu by train during sunset and I decided that it may well be the most beautiful train trip along a coast you could possibly do during sunset. The estuaries and hills and that.... aaaaah!

Okay, well I guess I should probably get out of dem PJs also, take a shower and get dressed.

And buy togs, pppfffft. Guess who moved house and displaced her togs. I guess I had to displace something, right? It's the rules!
» Life
This is a lot how I see life:

"And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this poor innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity as a whale before it then had to come to terms with not being a whale any more.
This is a complete record of its thoughts from the moment it began its life till the moment it ended it.

Ah...! What's happening? it thought.
Er, excuse me, who am I?
Why am I here? What's my purpose in life?
What do I mean by who am I?
Calm down, get a grip now... oh! this is an interesting sensation, what is it? It's a sort of... yawning, tingling sensation in my... my... well I suppose I'd better start finding names for things if I want to make any headway in what for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call the world, so let's call it my stomach.
Good. Ooooh, it's getting quite strong. And hey, what's about this whistling roaring sound going past what I'm suddenly going to call my head? Perhaps I can call that... wind! Is that a good name? It'll do... perhaps I can find a better name for it later when I've found out what it's for. It must be something very important because there certainly seems to be a hell of a lot of it. Hey! What's this thing? This... let's call it a tail – yeah, tail. Hey! I can really thrash it about pretty good can't I?
Wow! Wow! That feels great! Doesn't seem to achieve very much but I'll probably find out what it's for later on. Now – have I built up any coherent picture of things yet?
Never mind, hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out about, so much to look forward to, I'm quite dizzy with anticipation...
Or is it the wind?
There really is a lot of that now isn't it?
And wow! Hey! What's this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like... ow... ound... round... ground! That's it! That's a good name – ground!
I wonder if it will be friends with me?

And the rest, after a sudden wet thud, was silence."

Douglas Adams

Looking for our reason to be in the world, while we're just some random occurrance, and before we even figure it out, we hit the ground. Might as well fill the time there is with being positive and interesting stuff - the whale creates names, is curious, self-discovers, asks questions, enjoys. So many variables x to make life, not simply one reason to be.

I want that as tattoo, the whale and the pot of petunias, falling. To find a motif for a tattoo took me 20 years, and today it went *click* - if I was to get a tattoo, this would be it.
» My Little Silki
After playing football with 2-year-old Rawiri for a bit, I built sandcastles with 4-year-old Harmony, talking about her cat Sprinkles, her sister Zoe and about how cool beaches are. We had just done an "Angel in the sand", and had moved back to making glorious housing, when she looked at me, and said:

"You look pretty"

First thought "Oh wow, no one has told you yet that you're not supposed to think that fat people are pretty!" and then I decided that I do look a bit like a My Little Pony or a Care Bear, so that would make the difference!
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